Destruction
by Claire Beattie
Summary: Harm relives his crash but this time it is not only in his mind.


**Title: Destruction**

**Author: **[Claire Beattie ][1]

**Rating: **PG 

**Spoilers: **Parts of the start of season Five 

**Summary: **Harm's accident is replayed again but this time it's not in his mind. 

**Disclaimers: **Harm, Mac, Skates and all the JAG folks are property of Bellsario Productions, Paramount and I'm making no profit from this. Other characters and the plot are mine and I created them. 

**Webpage: **[www.crosswinds.net/~jagweb/index.htm][2]

**Feedback:** Yes, send it. I want to know what you though of it, if you hated it, loved it or want to smack me in the face for writing it. Actually on the other hand if your a Harm/Mac shipper who just wants to complain that it's not Harm/Mac and everything else "made up" don't bother. I

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**USS Patrick Henry**   
**Atlantic Ocean**

The carrier moved erratically before me, I tightly closed my eyes quickly opening them hoping to clear the blurry images that dance in front of him eyes. I struggled to keep the aircraft in line with the a carrier. I know I have to make a decision soon, the fuel gauge was running low and the stargazing was growing unappealing. 

"Harm, are you going to bring this plane in sometime tonight?" my RIO shout says. 

"Eager to get back Skates? Have to wash your hair or something?" 

"Yeah something like that." she laughs. 

"Badman 2. Your clear for landing." I heard the LSO say. 

I pull my oxygen mask over my face sighing deeply as I put all the strength I can into focusing on the target in front of me. A carrier has never seemed so small before, I pull the plane into the glide path. My heart is beating fast, it racing in fact, the lights are buzzing in my head a swirling of images float in front of me. The more I try the harder it becomes to focus on the images, water begins to seep from my eyes. 

"Harm, what going on?" Skates calls from the back seat. 

"Um, everything's fine." I lie as the plane sifts unyielding from side to side. But she know different. Skates knows me, she knows how I fly. She knows something is wrong, but she says nothing. What can I say to her, I want to tell her to punch out. I know I might not bring the plane down, but it should be me that suffers for that not her. But I can't bring voice to my request. 

Damn I think as I can see the deck closing in, the LSO is screaming at me to pull up. I pull back heavily on the stick, the nose inches up slowly. It's not enough. 

"Wave off." the LSO calls out. But it's too late, there isn't enough time. I reach for the ejection handle. 

"Eject, Eject, Eject." I shout as I pull up on the handle. 

The rest is a blank, I felt the power of the ejection seat thrust me into the air until all around me turned black, my final thoughts go to my RIO, how I should have told her to eject before now. I can only hope it's not too late. 

**********

I feel a hand on my arm pushing me back towards the bed. Panting heavily I scan round the room my eyes frantically trying to assure myself that I'm still alive. 

"Commander it's okay. It was just another dream." I stare into the blue eyes of a female doctor. 

"Where am I?" I demand. 

"Your in sick bay, don't your remember you've been here for the last few days, Sir." 

Suddenly it comes back to me, this isn't the first time I have woke up in this sterile environment, but this is the first time I have woken to this women softly comforting me. She moves away from me to pick up her stethoscope, which she hold to my chest. I try to calm my breathing but it's difficult, my heart is still beating heavily with my dream. 

I see her eyes focusing on moving the cold metal over me, she carefully listen to my heartbeat. I know it's racing and I see a disapproving look in her eyes. I deepened my breathing hoping it will slow down my racing heart, she looks up at me sending a comforting smile. Beautiful smile it is, even at this point I can appreciate that, but I can only look on coldly. My mind is on an other but she is far away by now, perhaps not physical to be me she is. 

"Commander, I think I'll be able to release you sometime today." the doctor tells me. "I bet your looking forward to getting out of here." 

"I guess." I mumble. 

"Doctor, Commander." a commanding voice resounds through the sickbay, I turn to see the CAG walk in. 

"How are you, Commander?" 

"I'm fine, Sir. " I say. 

"Doctor will you'll excuse us." he motions to the young women. When she is out of sight he turns back to me. "Rabb, come on. I want the truth. How are you, son?" 

"I could be better." my eyes drop to the floor, at least I'm not lying to him. 

"The Doctor tell me that your having nightmare." I move to explain them away casually but the CAG is commander who knows his people he puts up a hand to silence me. "I can understand, what it must be hard for you, losing your RIO is the awful at the best of time." the CAG shakes his head. "I just hate to lose a good team." 

"Of course, Sir but she was my friend, too." 

"I know that." he sifts slightly carefully considering his next words. "I realize this has affected you, more than I would normally expect and I've had some experience of this, but I trust you Harm I'm not going to ask any question. I don't want to know, people reputations need to be preserved." 

"Thank you, Sir." I gulp. 

"I guess you'll be leaving us soon." he looks almost sad. "But we're holding a memorial service on Tuesday. I would hope you can stay for that." 

"I wouldn't miss it." I know missing it would make it easier but if there is anything I have learned over the years is that no matter how much something is buried it will eventually return to haunt me. I've tried with my father, my feelings for Diane, the list is endless. I want to say goodbye properly and maybe I want to hurt. Perhaps I want to be in pain, somehow I don't feel as empty then. I know I deserve the pain, this anguish. It was my decision, I made the wrong one. I should have been the one to die but this is worse than any death, to live with this. This will be my punishment. 

I'm not sure if I believe in God, Karma or things like that but somehow I am receiving what I deserve, my pain is something I will willingly live with. I can never lose it or I will be losing her and I'm not really ready to do that. 

Forgive yourself, they say. I can't. I won't. They don't understand. How can they hope to? They are not responsible for this tragic accident, they have never experienced two people dying at their hands. Knowing that if they only admitted their limitations that two people would be alive today. 

And that she was my friends makes it worse, I feel like I betrayed her. My mind struggles every night with dreams, they are the same, we are hovering above the carrier. My mind implores me to let the LSO's know I won't make it, tell her to eject. But I can't force my mouth to form the words and the same event is replayed over and over. 

I don't see what happened to her after the crash, all I remember is the darkness. I woke surrounded by medical personnel, the CAG. The looks on their faces was enough to tell me what happened. My first reaction was one or numbness, it all seemed so unreal, how could it be happening again? This was not supposed to be happening. 

The guilt, the pain, the blame was to follow and at least they confirmed that I was not drifting through this never ending dream or more aptly a nightmare. At least I was alive or am I. Somehow it doesn't seem to matter so much now. 

**********

I wonder into the hanger, "Sir," calls out a aircraft mechanic. 

"Griggs." I walk over to the young man. 

"Sir, I have something for you." he walks over to a box and pulls out a object. Wiping it down he hands to over to me. I held the yellow helmet in my hands. I run my fingers carefully over the lettering, each still perfectly intact. The yellow paint covering the helmet remained bright. 

"The guys who cleaned up the deck gave it to me. I figured I'd give it you. That's okay, Sir?" he asked 

"Thank you." I say. Griggs looks a relieved, I put a reassuring hand on his shoulder, "I appreciate this. But I think your supposed to sending it to her mother or something but...look I'll take care of it." 

"Yes, Sir." he nods disappearing behind a plane. 

My eyes drift out to the sea before me. The waters seem so calm, I can feel the wind slowly softly through my hair. I seems so different from that night, the darkness and fear that flooded through me as I brought the plane crashing to the deck. Although the light may have returned to the sky it has deserted me. I cannot look at anything on this ship without the memories flooding back not that they are ever gone for long. The dreams have been a close companion for me, I've been told that it's only been a few days I must be patient. 

But I can't imagine the pain disappearing easily, perhaps I need it to stay. 

A halo hovers down onto the deck, A woman, who I recognize immediately, walks out of craft, a chief shakes her hand and leads her across the flight deck. 

"Mac." I start to move across the deck. 

"Harm." she calls back across the roar of noise and motions for me to follow her into the ship. 

"How are you?" Mac asks when he walk through the hatch. 

"I'm fine." I try to sound convincing. "I assume your here to investigate the accident." 

"Of course." she pulls of her jacket and headgear. "What's that?" she indicates to the yellow helmet I have tucked under my arm. 

"Umm, it's Lieutenant Hawkes' helmet." 

She eyes me suspiciously, "Why?" 

"Um, our plane captain gave it to me." I say as casually as I can. 

"Well I, umm have to meet the CAG." she smiles at me, I try in vain to return it. She walks away watching me clutching the helmet as I try to turn my face away from her. I can see her that she thinks there may be more to this investigation, than the crash and death of a navy officer. 

Strangely enough I don't care what she discovers. It doesn't matter anymore, a few days ago there was nothing more important than preserving our secret. Now only my career is in danger but I know it's over anyway. I can't go on like this. I need to get away, and as soon as I can. 

But I have obligations I need to fulfil, if I don't I will regret it. 

**********

I adjust my tie, this uniform takes some getting used to after over 8 months in flight suits. But this may be the uniform I will be destined to spend the rest of my career in. I can't imagine ever wearing that flight suit again, after my first crash I said the same thing people remind me. That was different, somehow something has changed. I know I cannot go on with this futile dream, especially after all the destruction it has caused. 

All that I have lost through this dream. As I stare at my image in the mirror I see a different man staring back at me that I did when I gathered my things to head to Pensacola. Here is a man who realizes his place, or so I hope. After all I though this was my home, where I belonged and for a time it was. For a time there was nowhere I would rather be and it seemed to get better every day. But it's all collapsed around me now. 

My watch bleeps, it's 15 minutes until they start the memorial service with a final examination of my uniform I walk out the door. 

**********

THE END 

   [1]: mailto:c.d.beattie@dundee.ac.uk
   [2]: http://www.crosswinds.net/~jagweb/index.htm



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